Very shortly after i got out of the hospital our finances went down hill the adoption agency helped us with our rent for 3 months then after that i couldn't afford it and richard wouldn't work..we lost our apartment and had to move in with a friend of his in the same apartment complex...that didn't last long we decided that josh and i would return to idaho and richard would fallow in a week or two so we took all the money i had and bought a bus ticket for josh and i ...i left phoenix on a greyhound fully expecting richard to fallow shortly thereafter..well i moved back in with my parents and tried to contact richard several times he never answerd my calls ..needless to say the day we left phoenix he couldn't be botherd to take us to the bus we had to have a neighbor do it...josh didn't sleep the whole first 24 hours it was the hardest bus ride i have ever had..anyway..without richard around and me back in my old enviroment it wasn't long i was leaving josh with my parents alot and partying hard again ...this time i went really over the line i was using meth and drinking i lost total control of my life i left josh with babysitters alot and was always out running around i wasn't working i was on welfare and didn't want to do anything but get high i went from snorting to smoking it and that was all it took pretty soon i was stealing money and things from my parents and anyone else i could scam....my parents had josh alot they were older and it was hard on them he was in his terrible two's and was a handful he was a healthy pretty happy little boy he was never dirty or scared or hurt...no thanks to me...my parents did alot to take care of him... I had contacted the LDS social services about placing josh up for adoption as well..met with the lady and talked to her ....but changed my mind and decided i was going to try and keep him..well one day i went over the line and stole and wrote checks on my parents account this wasn't the first time i had done it but my mom was fed up...i was given an ultimatumn ...either place him and give him a chance at a good life or she would prosecute me and i would go to prison ...and he into foster care ..if anyone knows anything about addiction you know its a very very selfish diesease...the addiction took over and i placed him...this was supposed to be a "open" adoption he was 3 rs old...well it took a horrible horrible turn...the family i chose through the agency...ended up divorcing and placing him up through a private attorney to some couple they knew..mind you i have no idea where they lived or even what state they were in....no names or anything although i do have lots of pictures they sent the first little while and letters they sent to grandma and grandpa..(My parents). trust me i feel alot of quilt over this but as you will see my life took a huge turn for the worst after this and he would have never stood a chance living with me..so i really do feel like i made the right descision although i was coerced into it....i pray that someday i will be reunited with my children as after i gave birth to ashely i had my tubes tied and cant have anymore...