What i failed to tell you was in the last 3months that ramon and i lived together i started seeing someone else..his name was martin....he was a full blown alcoholic and addict...but i thought i was soo in love with him, after Ramon moved out i ended up quitting my job and moving in with him and like 8 of his cousins we constantly used and he drank all the time..talk about dysfunction on my birthday once before i moved in with him he left me sitting in my car in his front yard and went and spent the night with another girl ..but mind you i was in love...blahhhh.....
there were several of these occurrences in our relationship he cheated and always treated me like i was a pet dog but he paid for my drugs so i stayed ....one in paticular instance was he was supposed to come pick me up at my moms one day so we could drive into the mountains ...(mind you we spent the night at the river getting wasted)..well he dropped me off and was supposed to return and when he didn't i got angry and found a ride to his house he wasn't home of course so a friend of his and i went to a drug dealers house and preceeded to party it up...I just happend to call home and my mother told me someone was trying to get a hold of me so i called the girl back and she told me that martin had just been stabbed and was in the hospital...i called the hospital and they couldn't tell me anything ecxept he was in surgery,,,, being the idiot that i am i rushed to the hospital and found out that he had been at his ex girlfriends and her live in boyfriend came home and caught him and stabbed him repeatedly with a double bladed dagger well needless to say he almost died he had 6 wounds one in his kidney one in his liver and his lung ...when he came out of surgery he cried and told me he loved me and wanted me to stay by his side..(of course he did he had no one else ) and dummy me was there with him through his recuperation and all...of course i was using the whole time...all we knew was smoking meth and that is what we did together all the time.....i lived with him for a year and a half when he wouldn't give me money to buy drugs i stole from whoever i could including his cousins and our neighbors,, i alway managed to have dope... if i didn't look out i would be on the war path and not thinking straight...this was between 1998 and 2000.. in 2000 i was arrested for forgery and was sent to prison for 6 months..i did what they called a rider a little bit of rehab while you serve time...i was released and the same day i was high again i moved back in with martin and continued to use even tho i was on probation i never once peed clean i was always dirty......in 2001 i was rearrseted on a violation and when they picked me up i had a whole lot of meth on me hence i got a new charge of possesion... the judge was leinient with me and gave me a year in the county jail.........during my stay there (if you remember winona she was the only friend at my wedding to ramon ) well she took a sawed off shotgun and shot herself in the head i was so hurt she was a very good friend of mine for a long time and that was tough to be locked up at a time like that.......the next part of my story is very hard for me to tell so i am going to stop for now but i will continue it in a day or two....

ok i left off at the rape...after that i started hitting the spanish bars alot!!! i would get up in the morning and spend all day there until they closed...i drank at least 6 days aweek and was smoking meth alot....its amazing that i never got a DUI i would buy a case of beer to drink in between bars...my friend and i went home with whoever we hooked up with at night...looking back i cant believe some of the choices i made amazing ........this continued until i was about 24 one night in a mexican bar i met a man named Ramon...he didn't really drink alot but was there with his friends..he kept calling me and calling me and eventually i went out with him...he was a sweet heart..he treated me well (at first) and when i was with him i didn't drink i used a little but had slowed down alot...he asked me to marry him within 6 weeks of knowing him and of course i said yes i was practically living with him anyway...we lived with 8 of his cousins (all men) ....we were married in 1993, we were married at the courthouse i invited my parents but of course they didnt' show they didn't believe i was getting married ( well i had a tendency to lie when it suited me) so i got married with only one person there and she was just a friend she was not related to me or anything her name was wynona.... wynona and i drank together and used together although her husband hated me i would sneak to her house and get her high..she had alot of chronic pain in her neck from bone spurs....anyway ramon and i married and i quit drinking and was using only on weekends i had him try meth and he liked it we did it regularly on weekends ....i did some care providing jobs and he worked at a manufacture company...our weekends always consisted of getting high and staying up all weekend...but come monday and we would stop....this lasted for about a year and a half....about that time he became controlling and abusive he would want to know who i talked to during the day, when my mom would call he demanded to know what we talked about....he would get mad and hit me alot so much that our neighbors would come and make him stop or call the police...i found a job in the paper where it was a live in position taking care of an elderly woman...so we moved in with her and he continued to work while he was at work i would find ways to get drugs...i was secretly using everyday....all day long while taking care of this lady....our fighting got out of hand and i told him he had to move out...i stayed on with this lady for another 3months then my addiction got the best of me....i met a girl who talked me into stealing from this woman and selling some of her things to get dope....today i regret the things i did and took i wish i could go back and change things....Ramon and i stayed married but lived seperately for the next 7 yrs....he moved on to new women and although it took another relationship and a few years i moved on to iv drug use.....i will explain how that happend in my next post....

Let me tell you giving Josh up for adoption was the hardest thing i ever did...i loved that little boy so much ...Sad thing is i know i did what was right for him ,although it really did break my heart i turned to drugs even harder then it became a daily ritual...i was 23 yrs old and all alone again....i spent the majority of my time in local bars and hanging out high or drunk...one day i was in the local bar at like 10 am i hadn't had anything to drink or use but i was just killing time...These 2 guys one of which i had barrowed 40.00 from came in they had just got off work and were drinking heavy mind you i slept with the one named Henry before ...anyway they wanted to go to another town called homedale to drink but didn't want to drive so they asked me since i was sober if i would drive Henrys truck i said "sure"...that was my first mistake of that day...so we drove to marsing and hung out in a bar there ( i drank pepsi only so i could drive)..after about an hour they wanted to leave and Henry said he could drive so i Let him..second mistake....instead of going to homedale where they said he drove up into the owyhee mountains.They pulled off and were drinking way up in the hills...Henry started talkin crazy things like when are you gonna pay me and why dont we take it out in trade....i got mad and started walking down the hill..they got in the truck and fallowed me ..Henry pulled over and when he got out he had a gun in his hand...let me tell you i was scared so bad my legs were shakeing and i was crying and begging them to let me go...well he had other ideas...he made me take off all my clothes and preceded to rape me in the back seat of his truck then his friend joined in ....i was crying the whole time...this lasted about 3 hours..when they were done i sat stunned in theback seat of his truck while they drove me home ..i cant tell you what wa going through my mind at the time...i was in shock....they dropped me off at the house i was staying at and i went in crying..they told me not to tell or they would kill me...well first thing i did after i came out of it was walk down to the county sherriffs office right up the street and found two officers outside i asked them how i could report an attack..they led me inside and i preceded to tell them exactly what had taken place..the rape was not in that county so they called the sherriff from the county where it happend and i filed a report went to the hospital with the officer and had a rape kit done..Both men were arrested at their job that night and i had to go through a whole trial.. my father was by myside the whole time...that was hard....and talk about a screwed up judicial system ..they both pled down form kidnapping and rape to aggravated assault to wit rape. They recieved 90 days work release and 5 yrs probation and had to register as sex offenders......i have ran into him a couple of times since then and i always try to avoid him...they both went to the bars and told a completely different story and some people believed them until i showed court transcripts to them...amazingly this is the one and only time i was raped in my whole life thank god because i was never ever so scared in my whole life and never want to be that scared again.....

Very shortly after i got out of the hospital our finances went down hill the adoption agency helped us with our rent for 3 months then after that i couldn't afford it and richard wouldn't work..we lost our apartment and had to move in with a friend of his in the same apartment complex...that didn't last long we decided that josh and i would return to idaho and richard would fallow in a week or two so we took all the money i had and bought a bus ticket for josh and i ...i left phoenix on a greyhound fully expecting richard to fallow shortly thereafter..well i moved back in with my parents and tried to contact richard several times he never answerd my calls ..needless to say the day we left phoenix he couldn't be botherd to take us to the bus we had to have a neighbor do it...josh didn't sleep the whole first 24 hours it was the hardest bus ride i have ever had..anyway..without richard around and me back in my old enviroment it wasn't long i was leaving josh with my parents alot and partying hard again ...this time i went really over the line i was using meth and drinking i lost total control of my life i left josh with babysitters alot and was always out running around i wasn't working i was on welfare and didn't want to do anything but get high i went from snorting to smoking it and that was all it took pretty soon i was stealing money and things from my parents and anyone else i could scam....my parents had josh alot they were older and it was hard on them he was in his terrible two's and was a handful he was a healthy pretty happy little boy he was never dirty or scared or hurt...no thanks to me...my parents did alot to take care of him... I had contacted the LDS social services about placing josh up for adoption as well..met with the lady and talked to her ....but changed my mind and decided i was going to try and keep him..well one day i went over the line and stole and wrote checks on my parents account this wasn't the first time i had done it but my mom was fed up...i was given an ultimatumn ...either place him and give him a chance at a good life or she would prosecute me and i would go to prison ...and he into foster care ..if anyone knows anything about addiction you know its a very very selfish diesease...the addiction took over and i placed him...this was supposed to be a "open" adoption he was 3 rs old...well it took a horrible horrible turn...the family i chose through the agency...ended up divorcing and placing him up through a private attorney to some couple they knew..mind you i have no idea where they lived or even what state they were in....no names or anything although i do have lots of pictures they sent the first little while and letters they sent to grandma and grandpa..(My parents). trust me i feel alot of quilt over this but as you will see my life took a huge turn for the worst after this and he would have never stood a chance living with me..so i really do feel like i made the right descision although i was coerced into it....i pray that someday i will be reunited with my children as after i gave birth to ashely i had my tubes tied and cant have anymore...

Living in arizona was really hard i was 3months pregnant josh wasn't even a year old and Richard wouldn't work. We lived with his dad and they didn't get along...i was the only one working and trying to support us I worked all the time while he watched the baby...we made a very hard decision we decided to put the baby i was carrying up for adoption....there was no way we could have taken care of two babies and i knew that our relationship would never last.

He was still very very mean to me and he started going out drinking ..on his birthday he left me at home and went to a strip club..all good and fine but when he came home drunk..he started hitting me and kicking me.the neighbor called the cops and he was maced and arrested once again i stayed by his side and bailed him out of jail. we had made arrangements to put the baby up through an agency and i went into labor on june 11th and a beautiful baby girl was born on the 12th i was in the hospital with her for 3 days and then the day came that i had to sign the papers ..let me tell you it was heartbreaking to let her go but i knew she would have a good life you see i got to pick the parents that i wanted her to go to and i just knew they would be great to her...i got pictures of her for the first 6 months then nothing.On June 12th she will be 18..i think of her often and wish i could see what she looks like today...i have signed the state registry in hopes that someday she may want to find me...so there are 2 children put up for adoption ....little did i know at the time that would not be the last child that i gave up for adoption....but i am tired right now i will continue on later tonight....
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I left off where i had my first son and put him up for adoption....after that i was using crank and alcohol regularly..like everyday i would snort a line in the morining and kept snorting it all day ...i was hangin in the bars at 18 yrs old (no one ever carded me) ...i was kicked out of my apartment with jo and moved back into my parents house this became a regular option for me as i was in and out until i was about 33....no matter what i did they always let me come back home ok on with my story...when i was 19..Our town had a county fair every year...i went and met a man who worked a carnival ride there his name was richard..i really thought he was great i saw him the whole week they were in town and when they left town i fallowed. I got a job with the carnival and lived in a truck for a whole summer with him..he treated me horrible and would always be with other girls yet because of my low self esteem and thinking i was in love with him i stayed...i got pregnant again during that summer and when the season was done he came back to idaho with me...we never married but i took his last name in front of a noterary (at this time idaho recognized common law)...i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy..named him josh..i had stopped drinking and useing while i was with richard i was clean and sober for 2 yrs...one day my best friend and her 2 yr old daughter needed a place to stay so we let them stay with us...well she and i went to the store and left Richard with the kids. and when we came home he was giving the little girl a "bath" we thought nothing of it until she told her mom that night that her bum hurt...I was shocked, hurt,scared and couldn't believe that he would do anything like that....mind you we fought alot while we married and he hit me alot i dont know why i had a hard time believeing he could touch her....anyway so my friend had the police investigate and they didn't have enough evidence to prove anything so what did i do??? well like an idiot i stood beside him and lost my best friend...her boyfriend caused richard so much trouble at his job and our home that we left the state and moved to arizona with his father...where once again i got pregnant..so josh was barely 4 months old when i got pregnant with ashly...

i need to add before i go on that i was such a troublemaker that my brother and his wife decided to take me to SanDiego to live with them for a school year...let me tell you i should have been grateful but instead i was hateful to not only my new sister in law but apparently i was a brat to her mother too..and well i think i stayed down there maybe 2 or 3 months and was sent back home....that was before i started running away alot...ok so now that you know of my incesent runaways..let me just tell you i thought i was "untouchable" I had no idea that at 15 you could be arrested and jailed for that!!! I always thought no one could touch me...i learned real hard and fast that wasn't true...i was put in jail ..and where i am from they didn't have a "juvenile detention" i was put in a cell that was about 6ft by 10ft in a dark hallway that housed sex offenders "male sex offenders" they brought me three meals aday and i got 2 books a week to read..i was there for thirty days then went to court and the judge sent me to the State Hospital North for a evaluation...it was called JDU (juvenile diagnostic unit) i was there for 30 days and was returned to the county jail after that....i spent my 16th birthday in that hole...then from there based on my eval at the hospital i was sent to a youth correctional facility...where i spent the next 18 months..
It was a program called positive peer culture where the students pretty much ran it you had to travel any where and every where in groups of threes..yes even to the bathroom .. i learned from there how to "front" my way through...i just did what they wanted me to do and said what they wanted to hear.. and was released shortly before my 18th birthday ..while there i did obtain my ged and saved a little money but would blow it all as soon as i was released... after i was released i still didn't want to work or go to school...i started drinking and hanging out with the druggies in town...just after my 18th birthday lo and behold i was pregnant..what was i going to do i was alone and the father wanted nothing to do with me as a matter of fact he called me a slut and a whore and denied it was his..... i got on welfare and tried to live on my own...i wasn't ready to settle down and be a mom..i had a best friend whose name was jo and we thought that was cool you know jo and jo...anyway jo moved in with me and we partied alot....i had the baby i tried to take care of him....he had colic and cried all the time and i was frustrated....i was young and immature and wasn't ready to be a mom ....so i adopted him out ..but i think i made the best decision i could for him...the partying got way way worse after that...jo and i had a contest to see who could sleep with the most guys in a month now that i look back how could i have been so incredibley neive to think that that was ok......