Here we go i want to tell you of another run away this one really affected me....I was 14 and in a teen house there were two girls there..me and a girl i will call April....she was 16 and i talked her into going with me we ran from the back yard of the house we were at and headed straight for a truck stop...we hooked up with a truckin team...2 guys in one truck...we got in and headed toward utah...they broke out a bag of crank and a bag of coke..and of course we used with them ..we were up all night long and when we pulled in to a small town in utah we got out of the truck and went into the store...she started grabbing her chest and couldn't breathe very well...she went to a pay phone and called her mom ...i remember she was crouching on the bottom of the payphone grabbing her chest...her mom hung up and called EMS and a ambulance showed up..along with a guy from utah social services...he asked me my name and i told him just my first name and i will damned if he didn't say my last name to me...apparently there was an APB out on us....what i didn't know was that April had a congenital heart problem and the drugs had messed up her heart...they rushed her to the hospital in salt lake....the sherriff tried to take me to a youth facility and i fought physically and screamed and kicked and ended up fighting off 4 cops in the parking lot of the hospital ..They called in a lady from the youth center and she talked to me for a min and told the police that she would not accept me in the facility because i was "under the influence" so needless to say i stayed with my friend and her parents came and got us in the morning ..they released her in the morning and we all came back to idaho....so that was one of the most horrifying incidents of my running away....just so you know April died at the age of 19 due to her heart problems ... i will continue more of this later today...

well i left off last time where i was about 12 and my mom decided it was time to stay home and not go out so much...this is where i really rebelled.
I was drinking heavily on weekends and occasionally doing "crank" (speed)..i was alway kinda heavy when i was growing up and felt i wasn't good enough for anyone..so needless to say i started sleeping with just about anybody...i would sneak out of the house to roam the streets and see if someone would pick me up i always had a friend with me and we always managed to meet guys we would go off with them to wherever they wanted and believe me it got me into some very tight situations..looking back i am amazed i survived my teen age years...i continued to rebel and do whatever i wanted this included takeing money and jewlery form my mom to either give it away or sell it i didn't really care all i thought about was myself...at 13 i managed to get arressted for stealing street signs and was put on probation when my parents tried to dicipline me i would call the authorities and cry child abuse Finally the authorities got tired of it and i was placed in a "girls home"( ironicly in the town i live in now)..there i met a girl who's mom lived in florida and was trying to get the girl to come live with her....we decided to take it upon ourselves to go ...we snuck out the window of the girls home and hitchhiked to the nearest truck stop and caught a ride we got to florida a week later this was in november and no one here knew where we were ..imagine two 13 yrolds hithhiking across the country telling truckers we were 18 and going home..in this experience i learned real fast how to manipulate and get what i wanted i used not only my body but my friends body as well....this is when i had my first experience with cocaine and meth....when we got to florida we found her mom was completely addicted to cocaine and i wasn't very happy there so after a week i called my mom collect...she asked the operator where the call was comming from and when she told her miami beach florida..i heard my mother gasp.....i cant imagine what was gong through her mind the whole time i was missing....when i hung up the phone i called metro dade police and they came and got me put me in a juvenile home for like a month then the state of idaho flew me home i went home to my parents and continued to party....i ran away and this is no joke i ran away 47 times in a year and a half each time going on the road with truckers i have been to every state in the union except hiawii and alaska probably cause no trucks go there ....i would never go alone i always found someone to take with me....I was the kid no ones parents wanted around cause i was nothing but trouble....i will keep telling you of my adventures on these trips next time .....

back up for a min....

I have to back up a little bit i need to explain my mother to you.....my mom worked for Sears for years before i was born..when i was a baby she was accidently poisoned by an insecticide while at work, it ate her nerve endings and really affected her health my mother was diagonsed with agoraphobia.. (fear of being alone,and leaving the house) she took xanax for this for some 25 yrs or more..with counseling and medication she was able to do some things but not much...she depended alot on others one being my father..he did all the grocery shopping and paid all the bills my mother never worked again and she could barely drive a car ..once in a great while she would drive ,usually after she had just enough alcohol to relax her...later in my blog i will tell you about when my dad passed away and i literally took his place ....Which wasn't a good idea as at this time i was in the peak of my addiction to meth...she was also diagnosed with COPD and emphasyma she was on oxygen the last 5yrs or so of her life....now you have a little back ground on my mom....and i will now continue with my story..next

i will tell you of some random memories of my very young years like all siblings the older ones teased me alot..being i was quite younger then them...my brother was a character he would chase me around the house with a ape mask on and get me all upset....lol i would run crying to my mom..and he would laugh....sometimes my sister teri and i would play hide and seek and i would hide in the dryer....to this day i tease her and tell her she put me in there on purpose....i remember some times when my mom would come home drunk she would take a blanket into the yard and sleep out there at night......which when i was little i thought that was cool...i loved to sleep outside in the front yard....so as you can see my early years weren't always ideal but i enjoyed them....
so on to when my sister married right outa high school i was about 9 and she moved out so i was the only child at home...this is where it starts to change for me...with my parents being gone at night alot i pretty much ran the neighborhood.My friends liked to stay the night at my house because i had no parents there at night...i had two best friends who were identical twins and they were kinda hoodlums.... they would stay at my house and we would be out in the streets just running around until all hours of the night...we would sneak over to the local college and "peep" at the college parties...i tried alchol for the first time at age 10 we would get into my dads peppermint schnapps and drink it and fill the bottle with water..also at this age i had my first boyfriend...well kinda.. he was pushed on me by the twins...i will always remember that first french kiss...yuck!!! amazing how shocked i was...lol .... i had to learn how to drive a car by age 12 my parents would call the house after they had been drinking have me take a cab to the bar and drive them home...back then i thought i was cool because i could drive...i started drinking a little heavier at age 12 on weekends with friends. we would sneak out to the local lake and attend the kegs that the older kids were having..of course we never told them our real age.
but i spent alot of time drinking and hanging out with highschool kids....
I tried speed at age 12 i babysat for a lady who was addicted to pink hearts and black beauties...she would give me some when i watched her kids...i got to really like them and used to pop a couple then start drinking mind you i am almost 13 yrs old at this time....this is where another twist and turn comes in...my mother decided to slow down on her drinking so she was home more often and decided it was time to put her foot down...let me tell you i was having nothing to do with it.....

Wow where should i start...well i am the youngest of 6 children i have 2 brothers and 3 sisters ..although i never knew my japanese brother and sister From my fathers previous marriage...basically there is 9 yrs between me and the next youngest in my family ....by the time i was 9 i was pretty much raised an only child.
my older brother went into the Navy when i was very very small so when he came home on leave it was a Huge thing for me........i was raised by alcholic parents who spent most of the evenings in the bar downtown ...i remember from a very early age ...(like 5yrs old) them not being home until well after i was supposed to be in bed.....my sister would have to babysit me and believe me she hated it..... well on to the story, my father was a hard man to live with....especially when he drank..(which was alot)...he always expected me to ask how high when he said "Jump"..my earliest memories are my sister watching me and my brother comming home on leave ....and also going into the bar and having shirly temples..with lots of cherries..lol.
although i was never sexually abused .... i was still abused in many ways..which i will get in to later on. maybe from a childs perspective i felt neglected but really now that i am an adult i think it was more of a lack of positive reenforcement..nothing i did was ever right ...or at least that is how i felt....have you ever known someone who couldn't talk in a normal low voice ??? someone who all they could do was yell..well that was my dad...picture if you will Archie Bunker...well , you not only have a physical description of my father but an idea of what my father was like.... my parents fought alot....i remember once when i was very very little ..them comming home from the bar and fighting my mother grabbed her bottle of xanax and took a whole bunch i remember my sisters both crying and hugging her and i remember sitting on the floor not really understanding what was happening ....,( this is the first time the word suicide had come into my life) little did i know there were a whole lot more times this word would come into my world but i will tell you more of that later.....